16 July 2012

Fifty Shades of What Did I Just Read?

My review of fifty shades of grey...*This post is going to contain profanities. Just forewarning.*

In one sentence - This 'book' (for lack of a better term) is so not worth reading.

My first complaint - Grey is just a poorly developed character. He is massively bipolar and has such tremendous mommy issues that he has to find women that resemble his mother to beat. His anger is so uncontrollable it's unbelievable. Yet he single handedly started and runs a billion dollar business? I don't think so.
Well, scratch that - every character in this book was poorly developed. They're just plain transparent. The fact that I knew in advance of reading this mess that it was Twilight fanfiction didn't help. I kept picturing Robert Pattinson - ugh - as Grey and a girl with no expression who never shuts her mouth as Anastasia. And just like Twilight - the movie anyways, I fairly liked the books - I have no idea why they are in love.
It's like "Hi." *spank!* "I love you." *spank* "But I hate that you're spanking me!" Sorry, I just ruined the book for you. That is literally the whole story, in one line.
Second complaint - it is sooo poorly written as to seem intentional. Everyone murmers and mutters; I swear if I had to read 'he murmured ' one more time I was gonna throw up. Why is every single person in this book constantly speaking so quietly?!
And seriously, Anastasia mentions her inner goddess like every single chance she gets. Who the fuck sees her unconscious and her inner goddess as two seperate and distinct people. I wish I could say it seems like she has multiple personalities, but it's so badly written I can't.
Now, onto the sex scenes. I kept reading how amazing they are and how groundbreaking. Now, I don't know, maybe I am a kinky freak - and I don't think so - but there was nothing shocking in them whatsoever, and they were just as badly written as the rest of the book.
If Christian Grey were as experienced as the author claims - fifteen people signed his sex contract, plus countless others besides - he wouldn't be gasping and widening his eyes every single time his gf makes any sort of sexual comment whatsoever. Another example of poor character development I suppose.
I can't be too judgemental, I suppose. (It may seem as though I have been, but I take book seriously, and this is nothing). The author admits it was written as fanfiction and wasn't meant to be published as a book. However, if you're going to print and actually charge people, then do some rewriting, so fuck's sake.
I hope I just saved someone somewhere $10.00.

I am interested in hearing people's opinions! If you disagree with me (or agree for that matter) please leave me a comment! Let me know what you liked about it.

1 comment:

Sara said...

Argh! Reader hasn't been loading your posts... I thought you'd stopped blogging and suddenly there's 25 posts there... now I'm bummed because I feel weird commenting on old posts but this isn't too old and... well, it'll like bitchy bookclub but without the wine.

Aaaaanyway... I confess, I didn't pay the $10, I just pirated it on my phone a few months ago, when it first started getting a lot of mentions. I read a few chapters, but I was all like "blah, unlikeable characters, bad dialogue, can't be bothered." My main reason for actually forcing myself to read through them is that all the hollywood websites I read were trying to decide who should play them in the movie, and I thought it was very important that I be able to form an opinion.

Like you, I knew it was twilight fanfic to start with. Now, I love fanfic. I spent most of my highschool years devouring tonnes of the stuff. But I'm not a fan of Twilight, and I couldn't help thinking how much better it would have been if she'd based it on some decent characters. I wasn't picturing anyone specific, since I was playing the casting game, and also I'm not sure why Robert Pattinson is considered hot. And I don't really mind the whole "why are they so in love?" question, since people are weird with things like that. I think through the people I've been in love with, and there is no logic there.

I read all three, and in the third one she sacrifices some sex scenes to make way for plot! It's not a great plot: "Guy from Christian's past is all jealous and is going to kidnap Ana to punish him" - but I think she deserves points for trying.

As I explained to my actual bitchy bookclub (most of whom are 17/18 years old and of the "wow, kinky sex" crowd you mentioned, there's far, far more interesting on the internet. And the dialogue is better, and the characters less annoying.

Ultimately, if this paves the way for a more open appreciation of books for ladies that have sex scenes in them, great. Maybe Molly Harper (my fave romance author, who will usually have a couple of decent sex scenes in her books) will start putting in more sex. I won't complain.

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